


Love and War

by JanitorBot



Series: Connectors and Fasteners [2]
Category: Rockman X | Mega Man X, Rockman | Mega Man - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Counselor Zero, Counselor Zero is officially the weirdest tag I have ever wrote, Fluff and Crack, M/M, Relationship Advice
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-06
Updated: 2018-06-06
Packaged: 2019-05-19 00:16:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,376
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14863061
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JanitorBot/pseuds/JanitorBot
Summary: While killing time in X's office, Zero of all people somehow becomes the go-to relationship counselor in Maverick Hunters Headquarters.





	Love and War

**Author's Note:**

> How dare you people give me comments. I was ready to retire from fanfic writing for an entire year, and then y’all start commenting and now my mind’s generating ideas. I didn't plan making more than one work for the CAF universe, fml.

A little over a couple months ago, Elite Unit Leader X had free walk-in hours at his office, which anyone besides the Zeroth Unit Leader took full advantage of because nobody wanted to risk bothering the Mega Man.

Then Abel City Tribune’s Celebrity News column released the latest interview with the Blue Bomber concerning the pseudo-genitalia mod. When asked where the idea came from, X answered that the mod project started from an innocent request from a reploid civilian entering his office.

This revealed two things to the world: one, Mega Man X has office hours open to anyone and two, Mega Man X is actually quite approachable.

More and more people are inviting X to participate in interviews and discussion panels – and the Father of All Reploids feels compelled to attend them when they involve inquiring his insight on major topics such as the average reploid’s citizenship boundaries and interspecies relationships hardships.

The sacrifice is that X is not in his office as much as he used to be, which is inconvenient for those who _do_ want to hold an audience with him (especially for civilians who have to go through hoops of paperwork and background checks to enter Hunter Base in addition to waiting in queue).

Like now.

Zero was watching a soccer game – another thing X has introduced him to - in a data pad in his chair (it’s just one of X’s guest chairs, but Zero is the most consistent occupier), when the office’s door hisses open with a slide.

The visiting Hunter sees Zero, frowns, steps outside to check if the sign is correct, then looks back at Zero again.

“X isn’t here,” Zero says, knowing the Hunter’s intention as he did with the past three visitors.

The Hunter’s face twists in confusion. “But his office has the green light, sir.”

“Because I’m here. I know the passcode to his office,” the warbot says as if that explains everything. In a way it does. By now, everyone should know that Zero is the closest to X.   

“Oh. Is he going to come here at all tonight?” the Hunter inquires.

“He left for a panel discussion at Sector North – 16 thirty minutes ago. I expect him to be back in forty,” the warbot answers promptly.

“Oh,” the Hunter says quietly disappointed to not see X. Zero can relate to that.

The reploid squirms in the spot, unsure what to do. Instead of leaving like the other visitors who missed seeing X, the Hunter walks in and sits in the other guest chair.

“You’re not leaving?” the warbot asks coolly.

Flinching, the Hunter replies, “I want to ask Captain X something and I don’t have much to do for the rest of the day.”

The visitor has the standard armor that the Maverick Hunters offer to allow the most flexibility between on-field tasks: humanoid, sturdy newburg green armor with olive accents, and wieldy hands. Not a cadet and definitely not a high-ranking Hunter. Which means if there isn’t an attack, this reploid really doesn’t have anything better to do. 

Seemingly focused on his data pad, Zero hides his displeasure behind a mask of indifference. This visitor is planning to wait for X and will thus take away the warbot’s personal time with the blue android once he returns. Zero should have said fifty.

 _No, we made a schedule. Keep to the schedule,_ Zero reminds himself. Pettiness is wasteful and useless.

And there is something to consider. If this Hunter is patiently waiting for the Seventeenth Unit Leader, he might actually have something worth discussing with X. Perhaps something relating to work? Maybe if Zero can address it then this reploid won’t need X anymore.

“It must be important,” Zero muses to the Hunter.

The Hunter, not expecting to be acknowledged by the Red Ripper, tenses. He laughs nervously. “Ha, it’s not an important question really…”

Zero’s eyes narrow the slightest of millimeters. “If it’s not important, then why do you need to see X about it?”

The longer Zero looks at the Hunter, the more the other reploid is failing to hide his distress. “It’s important to me,” the Hunter admits, flushing. “I’m having complications with my boyfriend. I’m hoping Captain X could give me some advice since he seems to understand humans and human sex pretty well…”

It’s not related to work. But X isn’t here, the Armored Unit is using the sim gym, and the players competing in this particular soccer game aren’t that interesting.

“You mentioned sex. Why?”

“Huh?” The Hunter is surprised that Zero is _still_ talking to him. “Oh, my boyfriend seems to lose momentum in the middle of making love. When I asked him why, he said that he can’t stop thinking about his previous lovers.” The Hunter deflates. “I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to get rid of his associations.”

“How do you assess your own skill level for intercourse?”

The reploid blinks. “I’ve only been with two humans before so I’m not quite sure.”

“Then improve your skills. Do recon and gather as much knowledge as you can. Learn your human’s specific weaknesses,” the warbot declares. “When you’re sufficiently prepared, attempt a saturation attack. He will have no choice but to completely engage with you.”

The Hunter’s brows furrows. Oh right, only X understands Zero’s default way of speaking. Everyone else doesn’t have a proper grasp of war stratagems.

Without changing his blunt tone, Zero rephrases himself. “Get better at sex and fuck your human so effectively he can’t think of anyone else but you.”

The young reploid blinks. Then he tilts his head. “Huh. I never thought of that," he says cautiously. "I'll give it a try, sir."

The reploid stands up and walks out of the room. Successful, Zero goes back to his datapad, alone again.

 

* * *

 

Two weeks later, Zero is walking down the hallway from the sim gym when a group of reploids go pass him. However, one reploid from the group stops, turns around and calls out to the Crimson Hunter.

It’s that same Hunter from X’s office.

“I did it, sir!” the reploid announces with a wide smile. “With your strategy, I finally completed having a successful intercourse with my boyfriend!”

The Zeroth Unit Leader nods.

“You did well.”

The Hunter expresses his gratitude before hurrying off back to his friend, who Zero feels watching his back at the combatdroid stalks off.

 

* * *

 

Zero is once again hanging out in X’s office when this time a cadet walks in. Before Zero can inform her that X is not available – again – the cadet speaks up.

“Captain Zero, are you busy, sir?” she asks with a slight nervous waver. So she’s here for the warbot. Interesting.

“No.” Otherwise he wouldn’t be in X’s office. It seems obvious to him.

“Then is it okay I can ask you something? I heard from Lumo that you were able to help him with his problem, sir…” she says, her voice trailing off quietly at the end.

Zero doesn’t know who Lumo is nor does he care. Still he answers,” You may ask me.” There’s nothing wrong in asking a question after all.

Back straight, the cadet says, “I like Tornado Hawk, sir. And I want to be closer to him. But he’s a Unit Leader and I’m just a cadet. I’m not even in his Unit. Do you think it’s possible?”

“Yes,” the warbot replies without a beat. Zero personally believes with the right method, resources, and power, many things are within the realm of possibility.   

The cadet’s eyes go wide. “Really? Do you know him well sir?”

Crossing his arms, Zero reviews his memories of Airborne Unit Leader. “Tornado Hawk is a quiet individual. He rarely interacts with anyone outside of his own company members. He’s strong, but he stays within his comfort zone and is thus a predictable fighter once you understand his patterns.” The aerial based animaloid doesn’t increase the variability of his maneuvers even after Zero called them out, costing the other more than a couple spars against the Crimson Hunter. “He’s arrogant.”

“That’s not true!” the cadet raises her voice suddenly. “He’s just misunderstood! Tornado Hawk just isn’t that inclined towards fighting – he just likes having a job that allows him to fly all the time! And he loves art!”

After her outburst, she blushes, stammering,” I’m sorry, sir, I didn’t mean to – “

“You’ve been observing your target,” Zero says approvingly.

The cadet squeaks, waving both of her hands, furiously denying. “I like art too! I always see him at the Art Institute of Abel every Tuesday and Saturday. I swear I’m not stalking him or anything – I just notice because I’m there a lot too, sir!”

“Then you should.”

The cadet is taken aback. “Should what, sir?”

“Follow his routine. Does he know you?”

She withdraws further within herself. “He probably doesn’t. We haven’t talked once…”

”Then start doing so. Predict when and where he’ll be then ambush him frequently. It seems like you’re already doing it so you’ve completed the first step. Commit to the guerilla fully.”

“Guerilla, sir?”

“Yes. Because Tornado Hawk is a reploid of routine, confronting him strongly out of nowhere will only make him back away. By persistently approaching him, he’ll become more familiar with you.”

“But wouldn’t that be too weird? Hanging around with Tornado Hawk like that when I’m just a cadet…”

“Your battlefield is not Hunter Base, but in the Art Institute of Abel City. If you know art, then that is your field of advantage. Utilize it.”  

The younger reploid’s eyes shine. “Th-thank you so much sir! I’ll do what you suggest!”

The cadet runs off and Zero is back to listening X’s apology gift for their latest fight, which Zero is privately ashamed with how unnecessarily far it went. X didn’t need to get the warbot anything, but listening to the rare surviving recordings of Blind Willie Johnson and Bessie Smith isn’t a bad way to spend time at all. 

 

* * *

 

It seems that more and more reploids are asking Zero for his professional input. Permitted civilians don’t, but Hunters do. Various Hunters of different ranks will notice that the Azure Hunter’s office is open, walk inside, spot Zero and then proceed to talk to the warbot. It’s to the point that the warbot finally realizes that most of these Hunters aren’t even looking for X and simply settling for Zero – they’re arriving to X’s office with the deliberate intention to talk to the Crimson Hunter regarding their own personal matters.

“Sir, my girlfriend doesn’t like my Junior Unit Officer. She’s jealous of her even though I keep telling her that we’re only co-workers. What do I do to convince her that?”

“Your girlfriend perceives your co-worker as a threat. Can you think of why she would?”

“Not really. Sachiko doesn’t even see Eutectic that much. I mean sometimes while we’re out, we would come across Eutectic by coincidence and my junior would say hi and talk to me.”

“You have told Sachiko that Eutectic is only your co-worker only for your junior to approach you during a time supposedly reserved for your girlfriend. What you have told her and what she observes may be giving her conflicting information.”

“Oh, that makes sense. Does that mean I should tell Sachiko that Euctectic is also my friend? Ugh, I don’t know how that’ll go down when she’s already so jealous…”

“If you want to avoid that route, another method is to set stronger borders between you and your co-worker. Explain the situation to Eutectic and order your junior to limit her interactions with you outside of Hunter Base. Maintain your professionalism and your girlfriend’s threat assessment of your co-worker should go down.”  

Sometimes he needs to translate himself, but as time goes by the Crimson Hunter finds himself using warbot vocabulary and most reploids understanding him. 

“Attrition warfare, sir?”

“That’s what both you and your human are doing. By not communicating with each other, you are essentially stonewalling and trying to break the other down incrementally as time goes by. It is a strategy to be avoided if possible and I do not recommend it.”

“Then what do I do? Every time I try talking to him, we end up yelling at each other! It’s either fighting or giving him the cold shoulder and I’m so rusting _tired_.”

“Establish a ceasefire and make a peace treaty. Before you engage with him, create protocols for resolving future disputes and stick to them when you attempt to make a compromise. Keep your composure no matter what and tread carefully. End a fight without fighting should be your priority.”

And sometimes the warbot has to fire some shots.  

“X once told me that he noticed a pattern of humans who date animaloids are heavily interested in their greater size, strength, and custom parts. The idiotic part is that most humans don’t openly admit it thus hindering foreplay efficiency. If she won’t tell you what she wants, pull an X and conduct some experiments. Study her reactions.”

“Uhh what kind of experiments I should do, sir?”

“Utilize your unique assets.”

“’Unique assets?’ I’m sorry, sir, but I’m not following you.”

“You have six arms. Use them all.”

“My tentacles? You want me to use my _tentacles_ on her?!”

“ _I_ don’t, but maybe _she_ does.”

“She’s a _really_ small human, sir!”

“Less surface area for you to take advantage of.”

“Oh smelt me – I mean, wouldn’t that overwhelm her?!”

“Is the gentle sex working out for the both of you so far?”

“I, uh, ummmmmmm - ”

“Fornicate with the tentacles. You don’t know until you try.”

According to the happier responses Zero gets afterwards, it seems his consulting has an approximate seventy eighty percent success rate. Getting it to over ninety has become a new intriguing challenge to keep him occupied between work now.

 

* * *

 

“Zero, you’re already here!”

The Blue Bomber rushes into the room with a backpack on the verge of exploding. Zero puts his data pad away and stands up from his chair, watching X quickly opening up his office cabinets.

“I wish you would have commed me,” the blue android says, unzipping the backpack, taking out data pad after data pad after data pad. “I would have tried to come over faster. I don’t like making you wait for me for too long.”

“It’s fine,” the warbot shrugs. “You came earlier than I expected this time.”

“I decided not to commute and opt for using the EAS through local. I was able to avoid the rush hour traffic that way.”

 _Preserve_.

“You used your accelerators?” Zero turns around, heading towards the door. “I’ll come back with an e-tank.”

Before the combatdroid takes another step, he registers a movement and suddenly all of his proximity sensors are chirping “ _X, X, X_ ” contentedly as a pair of blue arms wraps around the warbot from the back, embracing him over his long blond hair.

“I can get an e-tank later,” X murmurs, nuzzling at Zero’s back. “I want be with you a little longer.”

Core thrumming, Zero points out,” We can get e-tanks together. I haven’t fueled yet either.”

“Lunch together. It certainly has been a while,” X beams, releasing his hold. “Let’s go.”

Then the door slides opens.

The visitor is Crane, a heavy-duty orange reploid from the Fourth Land Unit, though she appears more frazzled usual with the way her shoulder guards are slightly trembling, clanking against her torso armor.

The young Hunter hesitates seeing both the Zeroth and Seventeenth Unit Leaders together. “I-I’m sorry, i-is this a bad time?”

 _“Technically it’s not lunch break yet and she seems very upset,”_ X silently comms to the warbot with a sheepish expression. _“Let me give her ten minutes until the end of the time block.”_

“You’re fine. Please state the purpose of your visit,” the Azure Hunter responds helpfully out loud.

“Oh good, cause I-I’m ready to b-break down, sir,” Crane blubbers, her dark eyes turning wet. “Cida contacted me a-again and I c-couldn’t handle – “

X opens his mouth to inquire who this ‘Cida’ but then Zero harshly snaps,” Regain your composure.”

The Blue Bomber squawks, “Zero!”

Before the Mega Man can scold the Red Ripper of the other’s inconsideration, Crane sniffs a,” Yes, Master Zero,” to X’s surprise.

“ _Master Zero_?” X repeats, eyes wide.

Zero flashes him the closest X can describe as a sheepish expression from the warbot for a split second before the taller android resumes his attention to the orange Hunter. That’s when X realizes that Crane is here not for him, but for _Zero_.

“Recall what I told you,” Zero says sternly. “Why did you withdraw?”

“B-Because Cida was…” the Land Unit Member forces out a shuddering breath. “Cida was protecting me wrongly.”

“And how did she fail?”

”She was trying to stand in between me and my squad.”   

“Cida refused to believe that she possessed you and therefore went too far with the next step. What else did she do wrong?”

“Preservation.”

“Go in-depth,” the warbot demands, eyes sharpening.

“She was breaking me down through psychological warfare,” Crane answers dutifully, voice becoming clearer with less hiccupping static. The more she talks, the more she sounds like she’s in Command Center, making a report. “She kept lying to me and when I confronted her about it, she kept saying that my memory reception was flawed even though self-diagnostic stated I was working at full capacity.”

“She was using associations to deceive you into believing that your own processor was ill-constructed.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Repeat the three steps back to me.”

“Possess, protect, and preserve, sir.”

“And what kind of partner do you want?”

“A partner who can sufficiently possess, protect, and preserve me, sir!” Crane declares with more energy.

“If Cida tries to seize you back again, remember that she is unequipped to own you.”

“Yes, sir! Thank you, Master Zero, sir!”

Crane makes a perpendicular bow and when she comes back up, she has a determined expression, as if ready to bulldoze down anything in her way.

X, who has been attentively watching the entire exchange, can’t hold back voicing his bewilderment anymore.

“I’m sorry, but ‘ _Master Zero_?’” X repeats again, eyes darting between Zero and Crane. The military air around the combatdroid vanishes at the sight of the blue android’s twitching lips. “Where did that title come from?”

“You don’t know, Captain X?” the orange Hunter gasps, her voice taking an almost reverent tone. “Master Zero is famous for giving the best relationship advice in all of Hunter Base. He’s the love guru! The tactical strategist for sex!” 

“Is he,” X says almost slyly, green eyes focusing on the Crimson Hunter whose face stays strictly aloof. Except the blue android has his tells of knowing when the taller android is embarrassed. “I’m surprised you haven’t told me.”

“I didn’t see it anything special worth telling,” Zero says curtly, arms folding.

“Have you been offering counseling in my office this entire time?”

”If I’m in my own office, I’m on duty. If I’m here, I’m free. People are starting to catch on to that.”

“And you’re using your warfare database to give advice?”

Zero shrugs carelessly. “I admit it’s unconventional applying it like this. Still, it’s good mental practice since there is no real war to participate in.”

Amused, X smiles gently, though the warbot sees a hint of something hungrier in there. “Love and war, huh? It makes me happy to know that you’ve been helping so many people your way, Zero.”

Both Unit Leaders gaze at each other, refusing to break eye contact. They hear an awkward laughter from the side saying,” Ha ha, I need to go. I’ve got a patrol in twenty minutes. Again, thank you, Master Zero!”

X’s office door slides shut. Zero hears a double beep from the direction of the door – a sound of settings being reconfigured wirelessly – before the Azure Hunter creeps closer to him, gently grabbing one of the warbot’s hand into the blue android’s.

“You’ve locked the door,” Zero notes.

X nods, his smile growing wider.

“What about refueling?”

“Lunch can wait. Your backup subtanks are full, right?”

“Yes.”

“So are mine.”

Both androids end up skipping lunch entirely.

**Author's Note:**

> It is my personal headcanon that X’s kink is Zero helping people.  
> Also, may I stay retired this time.


End file.
